"Precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept, line upon line, line upon line, here a little and there a little." Isaiah 28:10
"Precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept, line upon line, line upon line, here a little and there a little." Isaiah 28:10
This is very hard to write. I have a compulsion, humanly, that I have been fighting now for twenty years. One of the hardest things is to stop condemning myself every day - feeling overwhelmed by guilt, fear, and a sense of worthlessness. When I received Fenella's letter in January, I read what she'd said about our contributions..."even if it's still 'work in progress' or you have encountered hard questions." I was amazed because I had been thinking exactly the same thing about artists describing an unfinished work as “work in progress.” I then knew I could speak about my ‘Goliath.’
It started when I changed jobs many years ago. There were crazy journalistic deadlines to meet that involved solitary working at the office often into the small hours. The stress levels shot off the scale and I was totally unprepared for a speedy descent into so-called “journalistic habits.” I was horrified, and guilt-ridden. I'd read testimonies by people whose false appetites just disappeared when they read the textbook. I'd read it from cover to cover. Why was it such a battle for me? It was a horrible secret and it weighed heavily. I tried studying the textbook. I tried to pray about it. I even tried good old-fashioned will power, again, and again, and yet again. But even during the clear times the compulsion would still rise up unexpectedly and slap me right down into the pit.
But perhaps I was already learning, without realising it. I used to wonder why people took drugs, or got so drunk they fell over in the street. I used to think, "Pull yourself together!" I needed to learn humility. I needed to learn how desperate and alone people could feel. I needed to learn how to feel compassion for all those people struggling with Goliath problems; how to forgive; how to love. Including myself.
When I first started studying Christian Science I wanted to help people. Although I experienced some lovely demonstrations when praying for others, I had great difficulty dealing with troubles of my own. So when this claim tightened its grip I became judge, jury, and executioner. At the lowest point I sat on my heels and wept. A message then came clearly, as though spoken aloud. "If someone came and told you this was happening to them, would you be so judgemental? Well don't be so hard on yourself!"
I thought about the Bible story of the lost sheep and had a mental picture of lots of sheep following a sunlit grassy path, all except for one. It was struggling through hedges, battling over walls, and falling into ditches. This made me smile. I could identify with that sheep! And then came the thought: "Just because the sheep keeps getting lost it doesn't mean the shepherd doesn't want it in his flock any more." What a comfort, what a deep truth. It urged me to keep on trying, to keep on expecting good.
Recently I read in SH: “The habitual struggle to be always good is unceasing prayer. Its motives are made manifest in the blessings they bring, - blessings which, even if not acknowledged in audible words, attest our worthiness to be partakers of Love." The word 'worthiness' really leapt out. I wasn't worthless after all, just because the problem wasn't being resolved quickly. And for the first time I really understood that prayer isn't about words, it's about persistence. I am holding on to one sentence from the textbook: "An improved belief cannot retrograde." Wanting to be happy and good has to be right, and I’m trusting my God-given ability to do right.